I'm reaching. Trying to be content to a life without her, however it is proving impossibly hard. All the laughs we shared, all the smiles exchanged. They are but a memory. Memories which I desperately cling to. Hoping I will wake up and that her leaving was just a dream. We were living a dream, for the past 3 years. It was our dream!
Loneliness and despair are my current housemates. I do not welcome them, but they are more than comfortable here with me. I try to distract myself as much as humanly possible with my health paying the price. I close my eyes, and I see her. I know she is also in pain, but I can't do anything about it. I hate myself for my doubts that I had previously. While not wrong, I wish I could have spoken more openly about them and been honest about my feelings rather than let it get to boiling point.
I miss her with all of being, such desperation. I even shed a tear as I write this. I am so lost without her in my life, and life itself seems so pointless. Personally, I am at a crossroads. Part of me wants to book a flight to Sweden and leave my whole life behind. The other part tells me I would only hurt her more by doing that. I must let her live her life. She deserves to be happy. I deserve to continue to roam soullessly with a hole in my heart and fear in my mind.
I desperately want to tell her much I miss her and how life just isn't the same without her. I don't. I can't. That is not fair on her. I will betray my feelings and wishes to allow her to move on without me. She is better off that way. She deserves someone better than I, and she won't need to look too hard to find it. If only, given my time over could I be the man she needed me to be. The man I wanted to be.
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