Not easy to stop reading her blog. Very hard thing to do when I have been doing it for so long. It is like I am torturing myself because I deserve it. Harder still, to read of her new found affection. A person that she can not stop thinking about. Why do I do it to myself?
I am not angry she is moving on, it is inevitable. I just wish I could stop myself from reading her blog. It hurts too much. My heart aches for her and our old life. If only. If only I could give her what she wanted from me, what she needed from me. I need to stop!
Not long now until I finish work and enter the unknown. I will leave my old life behind and focus on the future, no matter how uncertain it may seem. I must focus on this and be at peace with my past decisions, otherwise I am not doing myself any favours.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
Friday, 21 October 2011
Crossroads
5 weeks today and I will finish my job. Unlikely that I will do too much in that time. I find myself at the crossroads right now. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life, but worried about it at the same time. A lot of uncertainty surrounds me at the moment.
I have applied to become a firefighter. I hope that I am accepted into the academy. It would be great to be able to leave this town. Start over again. From scratch. It is what I need!
I have applied to become a firefighter. I hope that I am accepted into the academy. It would be great to be able to leave this town. Start over again. From scratch. It is what I need!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Bad to worse
Well, when it rains it pours. Work has gone from bad to worse. Called into the managers office today for a very unpleasant conversation. Confronted with a choice I must now make, stay or leave. It is an has always been clear to me that the company do not want or require me. This was confirmed today. I have been told that I must either go on a performance review or seek alternative employment. I have no doubt in my mind that if I choose the performance review my goals set will be unattainable. Leaves me with only 1 choice.
In order for me to leave, I will need to begin the search for a new job. No idea what I want to do at all. Early mid-life crisis for me that is for sure. I cannot stay there, the place drives me insane. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, the forced change I need to get my life back on track.
In order for me to leave, I will need to begin the search for a new job. No idea what I want to do at all. Early mid-life crisis for me that is for sure. I cannot stay there, the place drives me insane. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, the forced change I need to get my life back on track.
Sunday, 18 September 2011
I wait
I sit and wait. I wait to feel better. I wait to move on. I wait.
Perhaps it is time that I stopped waiting and started doing. Doing anything.
Perhaps it is time that I stopped waiting and started doing. Doing anything.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Confessions of desperation
I'm reaching. Trying to be content to a life without her, however it is proving impossibly hard. All the laughs we shared, all the smiles exchanged. They are but a memory. Memories which I desperately cling to. Hoping I will wake up and that her leaving was just a dream. We were living a dream, for the past 3 years. It was our dream!
Loneliness and despair are my current housemates. I do not welcome them, but they are more than comfortable here with me. I try to distract myself as much as humanly possible with my health paying the price. I close my eyes, and I see her. I know she is also in pain, but I can't do anything about it. I hate myself for my doubts that I had previously. While not wrong, I wish I could have spoken more openly about them and been honest about my feelings rather than let it get to boiling point.
I miss her with all of being, such desperation. I even shed a tear as I write this. I am so lost without her in my life, and life itself seems so pointless. Personally, I am at a crossroads. Part of me wants to book a flight to Sweden and leave my whole life behind. The other part tells me I would only hurt her more by doing that. I must let her live her life. She deserves to be happy. I deserve to continue to roam soullessly with a hole in my heart and fear in my mind.
I desperately want to tell her much I miss her and how life just isn't the same without her. I don't. I can't. That is not fair on her. I will betray my feelings and wishes to allow her to move on without me. She is better off that way. She deserves someone better than I, and she won't need to look too hard to find it. If only, given my time over could I be the man she needed me to be. The man I wanted to be.
Loneliness and despair are my current housemates. I do not welcome them, but they are more than comfortable here with me. I try to distract myself as much as humanly possible with my health paying the price. I close my eyes, and I see her. I know she is also in pain, but I can't do anything about it. I hate myself for my doubts that I had previously. While not wrong, I wish I could have spoken more openly about them and been honest about my feelings rather than let it get to boiling point.
I miss her with all of being, such desperation. I even shed a tear as I write this. I am so lost without her in my life, and life itself seems so pointless. Personally, I am at a crossroads. Part of me wants to book a flight to Sweden and leave my whole life behind. The other part tells me I would only hurt her more by doing that. I must let her live her life. She deserves to be happy. I deserve to continue to roam soullessly with a hole in my heart and fear in my mind.
I desperately want to tell her much I miss her and how life just isn't the same without her. I don't. I can't. That is not fair on her. I will betray my feelings and wishes to allow her to move on without me. She is better off that way. She deserves someone better than I, and she won't need to look too hard to find it. If only, given my time over could I be the man she needed me to be. The man I wanted to be.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Better to have loved and lost?
Not right now it isn't. I am still coming to terms with single life. You hear people go on about how great single life is but they generally omit certain details, such as loneliness. I have always enjoyed being around other people. At this point in time, there is no one that I can talk to at home. I have never lived by myself, just me in a house. It is taking some time to adjust. Thankfully, I have a room mate moving in to the house in a couple of weeks time. I hope he is not a douche bag.
Work! Started back from holidays yesterday and I must say I was pleasantly surprised to be back in the office. Not so much my job, still don't like what I do but it is nice to be around some people. Also good that I have been able to see some of my favourite clients. This has actually cheered me up a bit and put a very slight spring in my step. But when the clock ticks 5, alone I am again.
Perhaps in these last 2 days I have learnt just a bit more about who I am? Time will tell.
Work! Started back from holidays yesterday and I must say I was pleasantly surprised to be back in the office. Not so much my job, still don't like what I do but it is nice to be around some people. Also good that I have been able to see some of my favourite clients. This has actually cheered me up a bit and put a very slight spring in my step. But when the clock ticks 5, alone I am again.
Perhaps in these last 2 days I have learnt just a bit more about who I am? Time will tell.
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Who am I?
It is time for me to discover who I am. Of course, easier said than done, I am 30 years old, and need to resart my life again. What makes me tick? I guess for me to do this, I must be comfortable with my past.
Recently, I have broken up with a great girl. A mutual decision, as the difficulties of here living in Australia away from her family in Sweden were a lot for both of us to deal with. I was constantly concerned that she would leave me, to return home. This weighed heavily on me, as it did that I was the only person that she had in Australia. A lot of pressure, amongst these feelings and work, I guess I panicked. We had spoken of children, and marriage, and she would have been a great wife and mother. Our time frames for these things did not match up. That was that.
Do I miss her? Absolutely. Now I go to work, and come home to an empty house to accessorise my empty heart. A hole now exists inside me where there wasn't one previously. Do I feel alone and worried about the future? For sure, but I guess this is natural. No estimated time of happiness to kick in. We all know this. Time heals, or so the cliche goes.
Worthlessness, at the moment it consumes me. I hate myself, so how can I expect everyone else not to feel the same. Distractions, I have a few. No where near enough to fill the void. Things that I was once excited about now seem so dull. I appear to have fallen out of love with everything that I once loved. Stress is high, insomnia is keeping me company and self distruction is in full swing. Drinking too much, driving too fast and seemingly doing my best to lose my job amonst other self loathing traits are all unwelcome guests in my mind.
This is the time, the time to turn it all around. The sun WILL come out tomorrow, I just have to look at it. If it helps me escape my thoughts for any amount of time then I must remind myself to stop and take notice. I have a great family, I have great friends and they are there for me, even if I don't confide in them.
Now I ask myself the question without an answer yet,
WHO AM I???
Recently, I have broken up with a great girl. A mutual decision, as the difficulties of here living in Australia away from her family in Sweden were a lot for both of us to deal with. I was constantly concerned that she would leave me, to return home. This weighed heavily on me, as it did that I was the only person that she had in Australia. A lot of pressure, amongst these feelings and work, I guess I panicked. We had spoken of children, and marriage, and she would have been a great wife and mother. Our time frames for these things did not match up. That was that.
Do I miss her? Absolutely. Now I go to work, and come home to an empty house to accessorise my empty heart. A hole now exists inside me where there wasn't one previously. Do I feel alone and worried about the future? For sure, but I guess this is natural. No estimated time of happiness to kick in. We all know this. Time heals, or so the cliche goes.
Worthlessness, at the moment it consumes me. I hate myself, so how can I expect everyone else not to feel the same. Distractions, I have a few. No where near enough to fill the void. Things that I was once excited about now seem so dull. I appear to have fallen out of love with everything that I once loved. Stress is high, insomnia is keeping me company and self distruction is in full swing. Drinking too much, driving too fast and seemingly doing my best to lose my job amonst other self loathing traits are all unwelcome guests in my mind.
This is the time, the time to turn it all around. The sun WILL come out tomorrow, I just have to look at it. If it helps me escape my thoughts for any amount of time then I must remind myself to stop and take notice. I have a great family, I have great friends and they are there for me, even if I don't confide in them.
Now I ask myself the question without an answer yet,
WHO AM I???
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